how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
