I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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