Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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