Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sheโs the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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