Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
