dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize