Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize