he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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