paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize