there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
