Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
