There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
