It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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