Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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