Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
