feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
