Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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