Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize