Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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