Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
