A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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