don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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