I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
