Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
