Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize