I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
