if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
