I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
