I wish my penis had an off switch
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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