I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
