I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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