If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
