Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
