Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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