I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
