Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
