I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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