Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
