At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
