sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
