Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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