I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
