First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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