my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize