I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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