My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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