Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
