My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
