Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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