Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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