Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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