She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
