not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
