Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
