If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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