She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize