those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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