Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
