Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
