I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
