Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
