I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
